back to reality

As always when I think of what I want to write, a song is plying in my head. So before I begin, here it is:


I have been struggling with my additction to facebook for a while now. Yes, I am calling it an addiction. I mean what else would it be? I feel that I constantly have to check what everyone is up to, lest I miss anything important or life changing!  Whenever my kids do something cute, or I have clever thought, the first thing I want to do is post it on facebook, because otherwise it doesn't really exist...right? Kind of like that tree in the forest that falls when no one is around.
The other day I had a moment that makes me want to check into facebook rehab, if there is such a thing.  I must say this is a bit embarrassing to admit but I was arguing with people about Santa.  Really? Santa!? 
Yes! Sad, but true. I felt compelled to prove people wrong about their views on Santa.  And I realized that facebook is no longer a place that lets me connect to other people when I am stuck at home with two kids.  It's a place where people go to be right, to be seen, to exist.  It's an escape from reality and from life. As a good friend said, it's the Matrix.  I'm not really interacting with people, I'm interacting with online personas who use the courage of the monitor screen.  There have been way too many times when something a friend posted has made me upset, because they sound like a condescending jerk.  Way too many times that I have been jealous of the things others have or of their successes. Way too many times that I wished someone a Happy Holiday or Happy Birthday through a screen, rather then sending a card or making a call. So while facebook connects millions of people, it has really left me disconnected from my fellow humans and life in general. And that is why I have decided to go back to life and back to reality!  Back to making time to see my friends, who I adore in real life but not so much on facebook.  Back to making real friends and human connections, shaking hands and giving hugs. Seeing actual smiles not smiley faces.  Sure it will be hard, mostly because I am unable to delete my facebook page as it is connected to my business page, but I have already started making steps and changes, like hiding everyone from my feed and even setting up a different page with no friends.  And as much as I think that I would like to go on once in a while to SEE what people are up to, I have to realize that if I am on their important list, they will CALL!  So here we go,  goodby Matrix and hello LIFE!!!!!

Seedlings

Before I finished reading the "Artist's Way" or before I started reading the "Answer" I wrote a little story while writing my morning pages. I wrote about how an idea is like a tiny seedling baby tucked away in the dark and squishy safety of it's mother's uterus. Growing stronger day by day unbeknown to anyone much like an idea evolves in the mysterious nooks of the brain. It grows stronger and more complex and arrives only when ready. Prompting an idea to come out too soon may cause unnecessary risks. Sure we can force it out into the world, but it will be incomplete, struggling, fighting for air.

It was such a great revelation to pick up the "Answer" and read about the Law of Gestation, and how once we plant an idea we must let it grow. We have to nourish it and work the garden but we can't keep digging it up to check if it's growing or pluck it prematurely. And yesterday reading the "Artist's Way" I read this: "What we do not realize is that brainchildren, like all babies, should not be dragged from the creative womb prematurely. Ideas, like stalactites and stalagmites, form in the dark inner cave of consciousness."

I think this was one of my best revelations. I REALLY do know what I KNOW. And if I trust my inner guide and be patient once I plant my seed, well, then anything is possible. All I have to do is trust that it will grow and help it in any way it needs without disturbing it :)

Sweet Child of Mine

Before I woke up today and I was still in the in-between, I heard a song "Sweet Child of Mine". I heard it so clearly, I even seemed to know all the words without actually "knowing" them. I couldn't wait to wake up and listen to it. I wrote about it in my Morning Pages, because it seems that when a song comes to me some great discovery is soon to follow. I don't know what that is yet but all I know is that this song is perfect for today. Today is the birth day of one of my greatest creations. Sweet Child of mine-Nolan. Happy Birthday Nolan, thank you for making me a better person.

This thought of "a magic moment" has been following me around for a few days. I have been going through some kind of meta-physical crisis and I could feel that something was wrong but I just didn't know what. My head was spinning, my heart was heavy. Most of the time I wanted to scream and then fall into a coma.

I stumbled onto Becky Earl. I have seen her before on Framed but I guess my mind was not ready to let this information filter in yet. That's when it started. I felt like a giant snowball rolling down a hill towards the village that was my life. Rolling and growing in size about to destroy everything I have created, everything I have worked for. All my plans and ideas which seemed so perfect and within my grasp just last week now seemed asinine and a waste of time.

What happened? What happened to me that I no longer felt comfortable in my own skin. I didn't know. All I knew with my heart and soul is that I need a change and that for some unexplainable reason I was now obsessed with shooting film. So I did what the next logical step was. I bought the Guide. I started searching for a camera. I called my soul-tography sister Gina, but...even thought I knew I was on a new path, the right path something still seemed off. I had to make changes. I had to reassess my business and my home-life. I had to prioritize.

I had to realize that I had failed as a mom while trying to be a business woman. I had to realize however painful it was, that I only vaguely remember the past 9 month of our family life. With a husband who worked crazy hours and me trying to grow my business and bring in money that we have come to depend on, I failed.

I failed my inner child and I failed my children. I wasn't there. I checked out. Something had to give. The irony hit me like a hammer and broke me into a billion pieces. I spent my days capturing memories for other people but I have none of my own. My head is filled with numbers, sessions, props, clients but it should be filled with my kids. And I should be fulfilled. And for the past few days I have been.

I have no clue what all this means yet or where it will take me. All I know is what I know now. And when I know better I can do better. And I know my priority is nurturing all the kids in this house. My kids and my inner child.

"The stringent requirement of a sustained creative life is the humility to start again, to begin anew" ~The Artist's Way

And the realization that I must once again start over, leave my beaten path and get on a new one and believe that it will take me to where I am supposed to be, is my magic moment.